How to Negotiate...... #22
- Adrian Dionisio - business737 owner
- Jun 24, 2021
- 8 min read
Updated: Nov 17, 2024
This article will show you how;
To quickly build relationships
To get useful information without asking.
To subtly find out about the unknowns.
To make a lasting impression.
To secure and establish your position.
As a business consultant much of my sales and negotiation research has focused on FBI hostage negotiators. Why? It's because of their tactical approach to interactions with strangers. Their tactics are extremely useful for you business activities and life in general.
They have to know how to quickly form a relationship with the hostage taker.
They must be subtly persuasive.
They must be influential in situations where the stakes cannot get any higher.
They must quickly find out about the unknowns and get information without being intrusive.
There is no room for error with little leeway to get things wrong.
Learning from these professionals provides fantastic and valuable insights into how to rapidly make connections with strangers. These skills will be invaluable in every facet of your business, especially sales and negotiation. This article will show how you can use their techniques in your business and daily life to quickly make lasting impressions, build relationships and discover valuable information.
Sales is Fundamentally Negotiation
Sales is one of the fundamental processes of every business (read more). Frequently in the business world we hear about the latest sales technique which is the key to convincing people. It's not very inspiring let alone ethical. Is the technique actually effective or just another concept being persuasively promoted? This article focuses on the work of individuals where results mean life or death. This is the ultimate test of whether the strategies are effective.
Remember that in every interaction and activity of your business you are effectively "selling" yourself, in so far as you are representing your business and your brand (read more). At every interchange you are enhancing or diminishing your reputation (read more).
The aim is always to build, develop and maintain relationships. With this in mind we can use the tactical approach of hostage negotiators for relationship building. It is not about manipulation or trickery. A sustainable business cannot be built on dishonesty. The hostage negotiator method is about having a defined strategy to make a favourable impression in a short space of time.
Business Interactions; A tactical approach
Using a tactical and structured approach to our interactions is extremely beneficial. We are not all extroverts and for those with a more introverted nature a defined process can be very useful. Remember this is not about lying, cheating, swindling and manipulating. There is no longevity in such dishonest motives.
After extensive research I have listed the most important hostage negotiator tactics that we can use for success in our business. The most important processes used by the hostage negotiators are;
Empathy and listening
Emotional anchoring
Getting info without asking questions frames and mirrors, pause and silence, desire to correct
Using WHY to find out someone's intentions
Don't say no, retort with HOW
1. Empathy and listening
Empathy is based on genuinely trying to understand the other side. Remember this is what builds success, a long term career, a sustainable business, longevity, sustainability and valuable relationships.
"Understand before you seek to be understood".
Try to understand the other party, their issues, concerns and point of view. Part of this understanding is the realisation that everybody you interact with is thinking along these lines;
How am I going to benefit from this?
What's in it for me?
Who exactly are you and how are you going to help me?
Do they see what I see?
It may appear cynical but in reality this is what everyone is thinking. So show them that you see what they are looking at and understand them. Offer insight into the dynamic. Understand the business of your counterpart – from their perspective not yours because if you see what they see, then the chances that you have answers are very high.
Try to summarise the other person's point of view.. Summarise what the other person is struggling with, something that you completely buy into. You want people to say “that’s right”. This is an indication that they feel connected, simultaneous empathy and epiphany
2. Emotional anchoring
Emotion is the language of the subconscious mind. So to be subtly persuasive and influential we can "talk" someone's subconscious. How? By triggering desired emotional states using certain processes we call anchors.
The main emotional anchors are listed below.
Appreciation
Illusion on control
Identifying a negative in yourself
No warranted question
Induce anxiety and trepidation
These are in no particular order. They are all techniques that can be used to contribute to desired outcomes when interacting with another person(s)
1. Appreciation
This is a good way to set the tone in any encounter. Be honest, nice, gentle, smiling and chatty. When people are relaxed, they will drop their natural defensive guard and be in a positive frame of mind. Do your best to make people feel good about dealing with you so they feel respected and appreciated. Be genuine about this, if you are crass and dishonest people will see right through the façade and distrust you. You can gain an advantage in negotiation scenarios by saying everything good about the other party so they have nothing else to say about themselves!
2. Illusion of control
Give the other the illusion of control so that they drop their guard. This is especially important when dealing with Assertive / Alpha types.
Being in control is usually on the top of people’s list because it is emotionally satisfying. Respect them, listen to them and know where they are coming from. When they are demanding they want you to know how important this is for them. You can use what to give the other party power;
"what are the chances that...."
"what is the possibility that..."
3. Identifying a negative(s) in yourself
Identifying a negative in yourself actually diminishes it! This is because it lowers people's expectations! This is backed up by science.
"I know I will seem greedy to you but…" (sets you up to get more money)
"I'm going to seem self centred / greedy / a pain / fussy..." (makes you actually seem more reasonable etc).
When you get the negative out of the way you actually diminish the thought in the other. If you tell them the negative about yourself – what they are probably already thinking- you will never seem that bad and instead seem honest. This it what works. It's all a tactical approach
When you address the negatives up front you make them go away. You can guess what the other side thinks of you before you get to the table. Start with the negative and finish with the positive. Identify the elephant in the room by calling it out, never deny it!
A warning! A denial magnifies the negatives. It's very subtle difference but has massive and significant consequences.
“I am sure I seem fussy…” use things like this
"I'm not fussy......" don't deny the negative!
"Look this is going to seem cheap and greedy of me......"
not
"I'm not cheap and greedy........" (is a denial! Don't deny it because it will intensify the negative instead of diminishing it)
4. NO warranted question.
Sales techniques involved the yes ladder where you ask the other party questions to make them comfortable saying yes to you. The FBI negotiators do the opposite.
Why? Because people are naturally suspicious of yes and being taken up the yes ladder. Yes is associated with commitment and confirmation. This naturally makes people uncomfortable.
Instead ask questions to encourage people to say NO (in a positive way for you). When people say NO it makes them feel in control. It makes them feel comfortable and powerful. They are in charge and they are calling the shots. Emotionally it makes them feel safe and secure. You will be shocked at what people comfortably say NO to.
So with this in mind ask No warranted questions
"Is it a ridiculous idea to ask....."
"Have you given up on ..." ?
"Would it be horrible ..." ?
"Is it a bad idea ..." ?
You can flip "yes" questions around and turn them into "no"' questions.
For example, instead of asking
"Do you agree with this?" VS "Do you disagree?"
"Is this a good idea?" VS "Is it a ridiculous idea?"
"Are you for this idea?" VS "Are you against this idea?"
5. Anxiety and trepidation
One tactic is to mix things up by inducing anxiety and trepidation. Anything and everything that comes after this is a relief.
"Look you’re not going to like this..."
"I’m going to make today the most difficult day you’ve every had..."
3. Get info without asking questions
One of the most important aspects in any interaction is to find out about the unknowns. Getting good information puts you in a much more powerful position. You can trigger info without asking questions by using the frames and mirrors technique.
Mirrors; repeat their last 1-5 words to subtly encourage them continue talking
Frames; It seems / sounds / looks / feels like; followed by repeating their sentiment.
This is a very powerful tool to get to know someone, to know about them and get info about them. The frames and mirrors technique makes the other person feel comfortable and understood and encourages them to continue talking.
This is a great way to build relationship quickly. It causes a natural flow in conversation and quickly uncovers issues and causes info to flow freely.
The other side’s desire to correct
Never underestimate the other side's desire to correct because this makes people feel powerful. It makes them feel clever and smart.
“I know my competitors are charging double"
“No actually …..”
The desire to sound smarter is an involuntary response. People love to correct.
Makes them feel more powerful and they will take every opportunity to feel more powerful at the table. This anchor can enable you to get all sorts of info if used wisely
You can also dig deeper with using effective pauses and silence. Many people are uncomfortable with silence and will talk to reduce the discomfort, often communicating very useful information. Often look what they haven’t said, what is glaringly missing
4. Ask "WHY" To find out someone’s true intentions
The question "Why" trigger defensiveness in people immediately? You can use this to find out if people intend to do business with you.
"I have so many great competitors why would you do business with me?"
You create defensiveness and they need to correct you. If people start giving you valid reasons you know they are on board. If they say , “well it’s up to you, you convince me” these are not the people you want to do business with.
If they don't already have a vision to do business with you, you cannot put it there. Not worth chasing the deal, use your time to do business with the people who are ready.
5. Don’t say NO instead retort with HOW..
Don’t say NO instead retort with HOW. Very simple and much friendly than shutting someone off with a flat out no.
"Can reduce the price to X"?
"How can I do that"?
By retorting with HOW you give them the control back. When the other party feel they are in control they will feel more at ease and more receptive to doing business. You can also use HOW questions to make a path where you want to go.
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